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                                                   Finding An Appropriate Wife
                                                        Dating Or No Dating?
                                                                   Article dE

           (Pro 31:10)  "Who can find a virtuous woman? for her price is far above rubies."       dE-1

           (Pro 12:4)  "A virtuous woman is a crown to her husband: but she that maketh ashamed is as rottenness in his
    bones."      dE-2

           How much care should a young man, put into seeking a suitable and virtuous wife?  How much should he expect
    divine guidance in this and how much should the young man examine the young woman's life, and character before he
    promises to marry?  Obviously just because a young man might be drawn toward an appealing young woman does not
    mean that she is a good choice for him, as that attraction is just natural, and too easily might diminish as he gets to
    know her better.  Obviously the young man could and should ask others about what type of woman she is.  Yet how
    much should he try to know her personally and become personally acquainted with her before he promises marriage and
    marries?  Note, although a young man naturally desires to marry a suitable and desirable young woman, he must
    remember it is just as important that he is a suitable and desirable young man for her.      dE-3

           Children often have special friends in their childhood and youth.   Young boys often have special boy friends and
    girls often have special girl friends, and largely because their characters and personalities agree and compliment one
    another and they share like interests.  Not just anyone (even if a good person) can provide the special friendship another
    needs and which a natural friend can provide.  Now in finding a friend of the opposite sex to marry, it naturally would
    be the best if that friend would be the type of person that you naturally were a friend to as you were growing up and in
    your youth.  Someone close, someone intimate, who shares, who cares, who tends to stick up for you, and one with
    whom you can share the things that impress you, and it will likely also impress them as you simply are likeminded.  Yet
    God can bless any couple that truly knows and loves Him, with a love for one another.      dE-4

           Sirach 7:26 speaks of the blessing of having a likeminded wife reading,  "Hast thou a wife after thy mind? forsake
    her not: but give not thyself over to a light woman."  Proverbs 21:19 speaks of a wife who instead of being likeminded
    is disagreeable and contentious reading,  "It is better to dwell in the wilderness, than with a contentious and an angry
    woman."  What a difficult situation for one to be in!      dE-5

           Sirach 36:22 with significant reason reads, "The beauty of a woman cheereth the countenance, and a man loveth
    nothing better".  Yet the Bible also clearly reveals that just because a young woman is popular or beautiful doesn't mean
    she will make a good wife.  Proverbs 31:30 speaking of this reads "Favour is deceitful, and beauty is vain: but a woman
    that feareth the LORD, she shall be praised."  May the young man in seeking a wife not merely seek popularity or
    beauty, but rather seek a woman who loves her God, who is of good character, and who is a natural friend.  Concerning
    beauty, a smile goes a long ways in making a wife beautiful, and the less beautiful but virtuous wife who loves God and
    her husband, might often make herself more beautiful for her husbands eyes, than the wife who lacks virtue and does
    not care about her husbands appreciation and desire for her visible beauty.      dE-6

           The writer was brought up in a religious society where young men are taught to trust God to particularly or
    divinely reveal to them who they are to marry, and a society where a young man is not allowed to ask a young woman
    who he is interested in marrying for the opportunity of getting together with her, to thereby get to know each other
    better and try to determine if they truly are compatible, suitable, and desirable mates for one another.  Rather in that
    religious society young men and women are required to wait till after they have promised to marry one another, before
    they can even get together with mutual and serious contemplations about marriage.  Is that actually proper?  Naturally
    the young man needs to look to God and ask Him for guidance in finding a wife.  Yet the young man still should not as
    it were close his God given eyes, and be deprived of doing what he naturally could do in carefully seeking a suitable and
    virtuous wife who would compliment and bless his life.  The young man who does not do what he obviously could or
    should do in carefully trying to find a suitable, and virtuous wife, and rather expects God to entirely divinely lead him in
    this matter, might be somewhat tempting the Lord.  Just because God in a quite divine way led Isaac's servant in finding
    Isaac a wife, doesn't mean we must now traditionally expect the very same.  Similarly just because God gave Jesus
    money from a fish's mouth to pay His taxes don't mean we should now traditionally expect the very same (Matt 17:24-
    27).  One should consider that even in Isaac's special experience of finding a wife, virtue was demanded and not only
    divine guidance, as the one to be Isaac's wife was to be the one who kindly offered to draw water for his camels (Gen
    24:13-20).       dE-7

           Considering the importance of having a virtuous and likeminded wife as compared to a contentious and disagreeing
    wife, why should it be thought that the best way for a young man to find a virtuous wife, is to be promised to wedd,
    before this pair can even communicate with one another about their thoughts of marriage, and before they even examine
    each others characters, qualities, personalities and likes and dislikes, and learn how compatible or incompatible they
    might be?  Although such blind mate choosing might seem strange to many people, yet the writer as well as numerous
    others were brought up within those traditions.  In old Jewish times divorce and remarriage was more permissible than
    in the Christian era and men often took additional wives, thus in some respects finding a compatible and suitable wife is
    more crucial in our time and society, than back then, when the door for change even after marriage was more open.       
    dE-8

           Yet, it is admitted that much or most dating as is done in our world today is not edifying.  Most dating as is done
    in our world today is merely an erroneous traditional way for young people to try to enjoy a type of premarital love, and
    which is largely like smelling a tasty and tempting bag of candy, which they are not supposed to open, and which dating
    often is done long before they are even serious about marriage, and which dating often ends up with needless
    frustrations, pain, sin, and difficulty.  God's way obviously is better than that.  Such carnal dating obviously is not good
    and is one thing, yet it is quite another thing to then have a religious standard which never allows a young man and
    woman to get together with the mutually understood purpose of trying to know each other better and honestly trying to
    determine if they truly are suitable and desirable for one another, before they promise marriage.  Just because young
    people can and might misuse their time of being together, does not mean the act of young people discreetly getting
    together numerous times to learn to know one another better before they promise marriage is improper.  Further a
    young man and woman do not necessarily need to go off to some special place, and far from anyone else, as they
    endeavor to get to know each other (as the tradition of many Christians is), but could even meet in one of their parents'
    homes.       dE-10

           It is amazing, yet sad how that many Christians have the strong tradition that young men and women should often
    and regularly get together for many months and possibly years and alone, to try to determine if they are compatible and
    suitable for one another, while on the other hand some Christians have the tradition that young people, should never get
    together (and not even under their parents jurisdiction), as a special mutual endeavor to learn to know each other better
    and to examine if they truly are compatible, suitable, and desirable companions for each other.  May God help
    Christians get balanced!!       dE-11

           If young people must strictly trust God to divinely point out the one they are to marry, rather than being allowed
    to learn to know the one they are considering marrying, and using natural intelligent caution before promising marriage,
    possibly leaders of the church should also be chosen in a similar divine way, rather than by knowing and examining
    those whom they ordain.  Possibly elders of the Church should be chosen by those who don't even know those who
    they are choosing.  Or possibly elders of the church should be chosen completely by casting lots and without man
    having any control over who might be chosen.  Yet Paul rather clearly revealed that Christians should choose elders
    who are known for their good behavior and qualities, and requested that only those be chosen who have proven
    themselves faithful and qualified for this position.  Considering these things why should not those who marry, also
    discretely and sufficiently learn to know the one they are considering marrying and before they promise to marry
    them?       dE-12

           Some Christians might think and boast that their church's way of choosing mates must be the best because there
    are no or few divorces among them.  Yet one must consider that in India where the parents often choose the mates for
    their children their basically neither are any divorces.  Yet this is simply because of the power of culture, custom, and
    peer pressure, rather than because of happy marriages and their mates being chosen in the best way.  May God give us
    wisdom in these issues.  God bless and farewell.      dE-13

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